Some funny stories
From various online sources
A few Joan Rivers jokes
My favorite, and one that I relate to, and the one that has long formed my housekeeping philosophy:
• I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
• People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
• The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
• When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, "Will she live?" He said, "Only if you take your foot off her throat."
• My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
• I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
12 things that it took over 50 years to learn
By Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
8. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of gender, religion, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.
10. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
11. Your friends love you anyway.
12. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
By Dave Barry
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
An older gentleman writes:
I was in Starbucks yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, they're efficient and not very funny.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you
A pool table.
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Wisdom from Steven Wright
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend. But she left me before we met.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
• Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Nominees for Husband of the Year
The miracle of toilet paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
'Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in Front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I Stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
Wisdom from Homer Simpson
"I want to share something with you - the three little sentences that will get you through life.
Number 1, 'Cover for me.'
Number 2, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number 3, 'It was like that when I got here.'"
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and the solution to - all of life's problems."
"Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?"
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?" "Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around solving mysteries."
"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals - except the weasel."
"There's no such thing as a soul. Its just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman."
"But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder."
Some stories about blonde women (or Aggies or Polacks)
• She took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
• She was fired from her pharmacy job for failing to print labels. "Helllloooo!!! the bottles won't fit in the printer!"
• She got really excited - she finished the jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. "The box said '2-4 years!'"
• She was trapped on an escalator for hours - the power went out.
• She tried to make Kool-Aid. "Wrong instructions, 8 cups of water won't fit in those little packets!"
• She wanted to go water skiing, but couldn't find a lake with a slope.
• She lost the breast stroke swimming competition. She learned later that the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.
• She hates M & M's - they're too hard to peel.
• She baked a turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighs 108.
You're an extreme Redneck if:
• You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
• You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
• You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
• Your junior prom offered day care.
• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
• You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
• You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You know you're from Oklahoma if
• You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
• A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
• You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
• A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.
• You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
• Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
• You measure distance in minutes.
• It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for Will Rogers who died in an airplane crash.
• Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
• You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing.
• You are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever had this conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
Notices to Northerners moving to Oklahoma
• Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Oklahomans can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
• If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four young men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
• Oklahoman expressions that will creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary: big ol, as in big ol truck, or big ol boy; Fixin' (as in I'm fixin' to go to the big ol store), and Y'all. Remember: Y'all is singular, All y'all is plural, and All y'all's is plural possessive.